I was bawling half of the night. I just… I cried myself to sleep. Only in the morning did I start to pull myself together. I understood that my child has it much harder: he turned 22, and 22 was hell. The kid was finding himself and could not understand what was happening to him. And there is no one he could open up to, no one to talk to… I started to realise that maybe the time has come to at least try to understand him. To somehow accept and help. To support.
And we started to calmly discuss things. Well maybe not very calmly, because there was a mess in my soul… But I held on, we talked and I tried to dig deeper into the problem: how can I help, how can I support him. It's him now. Our talks were about everything, about future surgeries, documents, about the future in general. We talked about everything. What will his name be now? And all of it was so tough, so tough — I have a transgender son. "It would have been better if you were a lesbian, then we would not have to cut off and sew on anything," that's how I was thinking. I struggled to accept him. He suggested I visit some training sessions. There were some available with children and parents. But I kept on saying that it is already enough that I did not insult him, scream at him, scold him. That's it. I do not want to know more. I feel bad. Don't bother me. And he wanted me to call him by his name, the name he chose — Sebastian.
But I said "no, before you change the documents this will not happen". I stopped calling him by the female name though, I realised that it was unpleasant to him. I called him simply "sunshine". And when he went to the passport office and civil registry I joined him because I knew that I would have to stand up for my child. However, people there were very tolerant. The head of one department even gathered all her workers and held an instructional conversation. She said, "it is normal, there is nothing illegal or wrongful about it." Overall, she was very thoughtful. I did not expect that from a stranger. Life in general is very unpredictable. When I had surgery, it was not my friends and family, but LGBT-friends of Sebastian and their acquaintances who rushed to help. Complete strangers to me! The people I once screamed about, "Shoot them!" There was so much anger in me…
Recently my son said, "Now I am getting what I have been lacking all 20 years of my life." Do you understand? The child needed the mother. And the loving mom was not there.
To say what I should have said many years ago
If only I could turn back time to fix everything.